Part 2:Peer Pressure – Helping Our Children to Withstand its Potency

Peer pressure is when someone does something that she does not want to do, due to pressure from her social group (peers). Often, the child succumbs to this pressure as a result of wanting to gain acceptance by her social group. Nearly every child has experienced this at some point (we adults are certainly not exempt from this either...) .

Obviously, it is not enough to recognize peer pressure as normative behavior; we need to know how to respond to this behavior, helping the child to withstand it.

Ranging from the child who succumbs to “You can’t play with me unless...,” to the child who feels compelled to wear/say/do the same things her friend, peer pressure is pretty common. And it only gets more pronounced (and potentially destructive) as children grow older...
 
To put it into perspective: When faced with a situation of peer pressure, it is important to remember that (A) this behavior is completely normal (as described in part 1), and (B) these situations offer great opportunities for learning.
 
So, how can we help our children learn to withstand peer pressure? Of course, in addition to a reactive approach (ie: help the child work through a situation as it is occurring), we can be proactive as well (ie: arm the child with knowledge before a situation unfolds).
 
· Nurture a healthy sense of ‘self’. This is accomplished through encouraging individuality and independence, and valuing the child’s opinions. If you feel the necessity to offer a competing opinion, rather than just disagreeing with the child, you might say, "Have you ever considered this perspective?" That way, the child learned your lesson, without having her opinion squelched.
 
· Help the child to identify peer pressure. When you notice that your child is succumbing to pressure – or pressuring another – talk about it with her. To the child who is pressuring another you might open the dialogue by saying (in a non-judgmental way, open-ended way), “I see that you want Jake to play with you. How did you ask him to join you?” To the child who easily succumbs to pressure you might say, “Sara wanted to play with you. How did she ask you?” You can continue to dialogue by asking the child how it feels to be on the receiving end of such behavior. That helps the child recognize and identify what is happening.
 
· Teach and model assertiveness even – or especially – in the most subtle of ways. For example, as you are shopping in the supermarket you might casually say, “My friend Lea told me that this cereal tastes really good, but I don’t seem to like the taste. It is so neat how different people have different opinions. Lea was interested in hearing mine.” A more frontal skill is to help the child gain comfort in being able to say “no” if something doesn’t feel right.
 
· Together with the child, determine an easy response that she can comfortably use when faced with such situations. For example, Child A says to Child B, “Let’s not let Child C play with us.” Child B should have a response that she can comfortably use. For example, “That is not how friends treat each other.” An effective way to do that is through role play.
 
· Let the child know that it is okay to ask an adult for help. There is a fine line between tattle-taling, and seeking support. If a child doesn’t feel equipped to overcome peer pressure, then it is appropriate for her to ask for help.
 
· Praise the child when she overcomes her weaker tendency (of either succumbing to or pressuring his peers). Catch your child when she is behaving properly; the compliment will help her concretize appropriate behavior and want to repeat it.  Of course, a very important aspect in complimenting the child is that we refrain from hyperbole. The child is very pure and will undoubtedly see through false praise.
 
If we help our children to recognize peer pressure as it is happening, and support them with a proper response, they can glean strength to withstand the urge to pressure their peers (or to ‘give in’ to that pressure).
 
Like mastery of any skill, this takes a lot of practice. The child will make many mistakes along the road. But, it is specifically from mistakes that the child can learn to attain mastery of a skill, and truly OWN this social/emotional skill.  
 
Have a wonderful day,
Malkie