Death is sad. It’s difficult to lose someone close.
At the same time, death often has a positive effect on how we view someone. We seem to crystallize the good of a life lived, remembering them that way for posterity.
Human beings are complicated. Every personality has some good and some not-so-good. Idiosyncrasies and quirks. That complexity sometimes creates static that obscures the good one brings to the world. Sometimes life’s overlay distracts us from seeing a person’s core goodness.
But death seems to blow that all away. When someone is on their deathbed, his/her shtick is irrelevant, so we tend to see their goodness distilled for clear viewing. We seem feel that death brings a life to its sum total, so there’s no need to focus on every line of the equation.
That’s why there’s a eulogy. An authentic eulogy doesn’t say anything false. It doesn’t embellish or exaggerate the good. It’s simply a crystallized look at a life lived, and the goodness which the deceased brought to this world.
In this week’s Torah reading, our matriarch Sarah passes away and Abraham responds by “eulogizing her and weeping for her.” Sarah was an incredible woman and Abraham knew that better than anyone. He knew what he’d lost, and certainly that was enough reason for him to weep.
Yet the Torah gives us a sequence: He first eulogized, and then wept.
As much as we know someone’s admirable traits, as much we love them, we’re not always focusing on the goodness that’s laced into their broader, busy lives. We see them in their totality, warts and all. But death seems to shift our perceptions.
When Sarah passed away, we can be sure that her loving husband immediately felt the pain and mourning. Yet Scripture tells us that it was only after Abraham's eulogy that he began to cry.
So here's a question for us: Why do we need to wait for death to gain this clarity of perspective?
We can ‘eulogize’ people when they’re alive and well? We can look at our loved ones, seeing beyond all the chaff that accumulates on life, and bring their beauty into sharp focus?
It just takes some effort.
Until G-d finally eradicates death from the earth, the natural course of events will eventually have us all eulogizing with tears.
But we can change the course and ‘eulogize’ a loved one who’s perfectly healthy.
Eulogize with a smile.