Finding Forgiveness

How do you forgive someone who has hurt you?

It helps to reframe the incident. If you believe there was no malice intended that will soften the hurt.

But what if the other person actually meant to harm you? Can you get past it? Should you? Anger is a toxin that is corrosive to your personality; it’s self-destructive. At the same time, how can you let it go?

The Biblical narrative of Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery has profound lessons for us.

After a stint as a slave, Joseph ends up in an Egyptian prison. Through Divine providence, his skills catapult him to the top of Egyptian society; he is given control of the Egyptian economy, and is second only to Pharaoh.

Then famine hits the region and his brothers come to Egypt looking for food. He recognizes them, but they don’t recognize him (it’s been more than two decades).

One can only imagine the resentful thoughts that might have obsessed someone in his situation; after all, he’d suffered so many years as a direct result of his brothers’ malice. This was the perfect opportunity for revenge. He held all the power, and could have them summarily imprisoned, or even executed.

But he doesn’t go there. Instead, he orchestrates aggravating circumstances to ascertain whether they regret their treatment of him, whether they’ve learned from the episode and whether they’d make different choices today.

Once he’s convinced that this is indeed the case, he reveals his identity to them. They’re shocked. And frightened. They have no idea what he’ll do to them.

Yet, he says: “don’t be upset or reproach yourselves…G-d sent me ahead of you to provide for the family in this time of famine…you didn’t send me here. G-d did”.

But they DID send him there; they SOLD him into slavery! They all knew that. So what was Joseph saying?

He was saying: “I see you fellows recognize your mistake and have grown from it; now I can let it go. As to what happened, we can’t change the actual events. So now what? I’m comfortable focusing on the self-development and lessons that G-d has buried beneath the surface of my life’s twists and turns.”

A terrible choice. An abused victim. Yet, after two decades, the perpetrators have grown, the victim isn’t carrying anger, and everyone is able to find positive growth.

Torah guidance for the lives we lead.