How do others perceive you? How much do you care?
Do you spend as much time thinking about ‘how you are’ [as a person], as you do about how you seem [to others]?
I think we need to be sensitive to public perceptions. We don’t live as islands, and the feedback can be helpful (even when it’s a bit painful).
But others’ impressions shouldn’t be a prime mover of our life-decisions.
Because it doesn’t help; in fact, it has the opposite effect.
The Talmud teaches us that “one who pursues honor will have honor flee from him”. This can be understood very simply: Let’s say you and I are friends, and I act in a specific way because I want you to perceive me in a certain light i.e. I ‘pursue honor’ from you. You will inevitably pick up on my concern about your opinion. At that point, you will realize that I have put you on a pedestal; you will sense my concern for your opinion, and recognize that I have given you the superior position of judging my worth.
Is it any wonder, then, that ‘honor flees’ from a person in such a case? Once one knows that another is vying for his approval, is there any chance for real respect?
Another point:
We find in this week’s Torah portion that, as the Jews travelled in the desert, they sent spies to reconnoiter the Land of Israel. When they came back, they told of the fearsome people they had encountered there. But their language was a bit strange: we were like grasshoppers in our eyes, and so we were like in their eyes!" (Numbers 13:33) .
The spies are saying that the natives were so large that they (the spies) were like ‘grasshoppers in their (the natives’) eyes’.
But what about the first part of the sentence – ‘we were like grasshoppers in our eyes”? What does that mean?
The Torah is teaching a basic lesson of human interactivity. We project our own self-image. The Jews felt like grasshoppers, so others perceived them that way. Their own self-perception influenced and created the others’ view of them.
So get to know yourself. Get comfortable with who you are. It will help others get comfortable with you too.
And value feedback from people, but never give them the keys to your self-esteem.
ב"ה