How do others perceive you? How much do you care? Do you spend as much time thinking about who you are as a person as you do about how you seem to others?
Public perception provides useful feedback about how we’re treating others. But others’ impressions of us shouldn’t be a prime mover of our life-decisions. Our internal conscience, our vision for who we can and should be, is what should be our North Star.
Trying to garner others’ approval can actually produce the opposite effect. The Talmud teaches us that “one who pursues honor will have honor flee from them.” This can be understood very simply. Let’s say you and I are friends, and I act in a specific way because I want you to perceive me in a certain light (i.e. I ‘pursue honor’ from you). You will inevitably pick up on my concern about your opinion. At that point, you will realize that I have given you the superior position of judging my worth; and once a person knows that another is vying for his approval, is there any chance for real respect? “Honor flees…”
On a similar note, we find in this week’s Torah portion that the Jews – traveling the desert on their way from Mount Sinai to the Promised Land - sent spies to reconnoiter the Land of Israel. When they came back, they told of fearsome people they had encountered there. Their language was a bit strange: “We were like grasshoppers in our eyes, and so we were [like grasshoppers] in their eyes!" (Numbers 13:33)
The spies were saying that the natives were so large that they (the spies) were like “grasshoppers in their (the natives’) eyes.” That makes sense. But what about the first part of the sentence – “we were like grasshoppers in our [own] eyes”? What does that mean and how does it fit in?
The Torah is teaching a profound psychological insight into human interplay: We project our own self-image to others.
The Jews felt like grasshoppers, so others perceived them that way. Their own self-perception influenced others’ views of them.
So get to know yourself. Get comfortable with who you are. It will help others get comfortable with you too.
Value feedback from people, but never give them the keys to your self-esteem.